Posted by Michael N. Marcus
on April 2, 2008, 10:46 pm
Message modified by board administrator April 5, 2008, 6:48 am
Eleanor Browne taught English at Sheridan Junior High School. She was a vicious and sadistic misandrist — a man-hater — and our class had 31 men-to-be, and not even one young lady.
Browne made our lives MISERABLE around 1960. She tortured us at test time (What five adjectives did Dickens use to describe the horse pulling the cart up the hill in "A Tale of Two Cities?"), and she had a strange aversion to basic bodily functions.
Outside of medical school, few people like to discuss excretion and secretion, and perspiration is certainly unpleasant. But Browne found even nasal emissions offensive; and she demanded that we ask her permission to leave the room to sneeze or blow our noses.
If she was in a particularly sadistic mood (which happened often), she’d ignore a franticly waving hand until the unfortunate penis-bearer turned bright red or pale white and finally yanked his hanky without permission.
The punishment for unauthorized use of a human nose was temporary banishment to the hallway outside the classroom, where the malefactor could wheeze and sneeze in peace.
Browne had a particularly low, gravelly voice.
One time she was talking in the front of the room, and I farted in the back of the room.
She dragged me to the office of the assistant principal Lou Rubano, but she did not accuse me of committing the vile anal act.
She told Mr. Rubano that I was MIMICKING HER VOICE.
Browne left me with Mr. Rubano, who took me into his private office to get my side of the story.
I was momentarily speechless. I was afraid to say “fart,” had not yet learned “break wind” or “pass gas,” and was embarrassed to use the family word, “boompsie.”
I thought for a while, and then told Mr. Rubano that I had “involuntarily generated anal gaseous emissions that produced simultaneous aural and nasal stimuli.”
He looked at me, and looked at me, and looked at me; and then started laughing hysterically.
“Oh, you FARTED,” Mr. Rubano shouted. “I guess you can’t be punished because her mouth sounds like your asshole.”
He said he’d tell Browne that he took care of me, and informed me that “flatulate” is the nice word for “fart.”
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